Communication Tips for Parents Struggling with Resistant Young Adults
Do you feel like all tough conversations with your young adult end in yelling and frustration? If so, you are certainly not alone. While resistance is biologically inevitable to some degree, the way that we initiate and engage in conversations with young adults can strongly affect your sanity today and the long-term the outcome of your relationship. Here are some tips to making your next discussion a little more constructive and little less of an argument.
Before you initiate a conversation, either a big item to discuss or the exchange of simple pleasantries, take stock of where you are, where they are, and the topic at hand. Let’s unpack each of these:
Where are you?
More aptly said, How are you doing in this moment? Are you relaxed? In a good mood? Worried? Stressed? Anxious? Each of these will affect your ability to communicate clearly and with a cool mind.
Where are they?
You really can’t know for sure how your emerging adult child is feeling when entering a room, but try to take stock of their cues. Are they in a rush? Do they look exhausted or frustrated? Are they laughing? Are they distracted (like on a phone call, playing a game, or deep in a text chat)? Are they a morning or a night person – and what time is it now? Are they coming from or going to somewhere (school, practice, shopping) and how do they typically feel about these activities? What is your relationship like in general? How did your last conversation end (on a good note, with an unresolved fight, etc.)?
What is the topic?
Is this an emergency – affecting you, them or the family in this critical moment? Are you just eager to catch up? Is there an important topic to discuss? If so, how urgent? Do you have good news or bad news to share? What type of reaction are you hoping to get? What type of reaction are you expecting you’ll get?
Different combinations of each of the above will dictate how and when you approach the subject. Remember – what's really important to you in this moment might not be at all of interest to them – right now at least.
If you’ve ever had a telemarketing or door-to-door sales job, there is a bit of an art to making a cold call. One – you need to clearly explain your intention and two, you have to make a contract for time (how much time you’ll need of their undivided attention to make your pitch). Now this might seem like an odd metaphor, but in a way, you are trying to sell information or an idea to your child, with hopes of getting a desired response or action.
If your intended conversation is not urgent, let your child enter the house, do what they need to do, and later on, when you see an opportunity (they look up from their phone), say “oh, I have a few things to talk to you about when you have five minutes -- just family updates, nothing urgent.” Therefore, they know you only need a few minutes, they are not in trouble, and nobody is in harm’s way.
If the topic is urgent, in a calm tone, get their attention, and allow them some space to get in the right timeframe. If they are on the phone, slip them a note to see if they can wrap the call for you have an urgent matter to discuss – if possible – preview it so their mind doesn’t race. “We need to talk, dad is in the hospital” is short, to the point, and answers a lot of questions. If you just said “we need to talk” -- your child is left wondering “am I in trouble?”, “is this really important?” “can this wait?” “did they find my stash?” “is someone dead or dying?”, etc.
Once you have their attention, get to the point. Top-Down Messaging reveals all of the most urgent information upfront, which you can then double back to fill in the details.
Top-Down Messaging: Dad is in the hospital, in stable condition, looks like a mild heart attack, but they caught it and he’s in good hands.
Storytelling Mode (not recommended): So your father and I were on a walk today, on our way to the store, we had to get cake fixings for Sheila’s party, and well, we were walking the bike path alongside Carver Blvd, when all of a sudden...
At this point, your child’s mind is likely racing – did dad get hit by a car, collide with a bike, have a heart attack, get mugged or shot, is he alive or dead, is mom OK, am I going to be OK, are we going to lose the house? Etc.
Now, let’s just say the topic at hand is about your child’s behavior or actions, cue your approach toward “problem solving” instead of blaming:
“Why did I find a cigarette in your bedroom?” (not recommended) -- this type of question will put the child on the defensive, setting a confrontation into motion versus a discussion. By shifting the brain into “fight or flight” mode, logical thought gets thrown out the window. Plus – the wording actually sets up a response that shifts the topic back to the parent “because you were snooping in my private space!”
A better option is to frame the talk about health, compassion, and your desired solution. “Now that you’re old enough to make your own decisions about your own health, I wanted to share more about our family health history, so you can make informed decisions. I’m not mad, and want you to know I’m here to answer your questions and offer whatever support I can. I bring this up because, while I was rounding up the laundry, I found a cigarette that was left in your room.”
This approach, while a bit long-winded, doesn’t accuse the adult child, nor pin blame. It sets the stage for a discussion tied to family health versus “the bad habit” and lets the young adult know this is their decision to make. It also previews that more information is coming, the family health history, so you can pause for feedback instead of going into a long monologue. There is a chance, a friend left the cigarette behind, and the child is already on your page about smoking. Therefore – even if your child is lying (for now) – you give them a reminder that this is a “no smoking house” and (their friend) can visit anytime, but not smoke in the house. By introducing the family health history into the topic, you seed the idea that this perceived harmless habit might not be worth pursuing. You can even offer “the friend” alternative ways to deal with stress, peer pressure, or the perception of smoking’s social cache.
Now one blog can’t cover every possible situation, but by answering the above questions before an encounter, you can ideally make adjustments to set the stage for success.
One postscript – when does it make sense to have a difficult conversation in writing, versus verbal? It depends, on your ability to write without using triggering words, and your child’s ability to read without “reading into” feelings that might not be on the page. Inflection and tone are often lost in written communication, especially heavily abbreviated text messages. Apply the insights above to choosing your words wisely when sharing your feelings in writing to an adult child.