redpoint’s Guide to Moving Out and Moving Forward
The nest – it’s such a vivid metaphor that comes into play during transitional times in our lives. Pushing babies out of the nest – “empty nesting” parents – adult children “nesting” with potential life partners. But let's not forget, we’re humans with a wide range of human emotion. Along with the complexity of the human experience, a bit more comes into play when it's time for adult children to spread their wings and fly.
One of the last great milestones of parenting children is setting your kids up for success as functional, thriving and truly independent adults. Now every child is different, and therefore no two paths forward from the nest will be the same. But here are some tips that might apply to this pivotal chapter in your story.
A few feet “down trunk” from the nest is a Y in the forest trail; which path you choose depends on which bird plans on paying the bills in the immediate years ahead. If your child plans on getting a job and paying their own way, they might appreciate and benefit from your wisdom as they make their way into the world. If you’re going to be footing most (if not all) of the bills, then you can have a say in the “house rules” moving forward, even though you’ll be sleeping under different roofs.
Path #1: The Declaration of Independence
If your child plans on going their own way, and pulling their own weight, you can cheer them on while providing as much wisdom as they want to take on. Among the topics to consider discussing:
How a lease works – obligations, exit options, etc.
Renter’s Insurance – what it covers; what it doesn’t
Who to live with – the pros and cons of living with a roommate, be they a friend or a stranger seeking a roommate:
What to look for in a roommate
What a roommate is and is not
A roommate is a business partner; your job is to coexist peacefully while reducing your overall living expenses
A roommate is not a love interest for a romance you’re hoping to blossom; or a caretaker, there to replace your parents in terms of cleaning the house and pulling the lion’s share of responsibility.
Keep both points in mind if you decide to live with a best friend.
Where to live
Apartment or rental house size (studio, loft, 1+ bedrooms; a posh building with pricey amenities or an economy complex)
What’s included? Utilities? Parking, etc.
What’s not? Internet, cable TV, etc.
And location (city or suburbs; proximity to work, school, transportation, groceries, etc.)
How to be a good neighbor
Noise, cleanliness, common courtesies
Party policies
How to care for a house or apartment
Cleaning, laundry, appliance care, etc.
Home Finances 101
See our TIPS on managing credit, creating a budget, etc.
Path #2: The Wind Beneath Their Wings
If you plan on being partially or fully responsible for your adult child’s living expenses, you’re entering a new phase of your parent/child relationship. In many ways, you’re going into business together and that business has a wide range of goals, not to mention financial and legal liabilities and obligations. Since your credit is on the line, along with your legal liability, you are fully entitled to set house rules. You can negotiate these with your child, so they feel fully invested in the decisions you make together. And if you can’t agree, then perhaps it’s not the right time for them to leave the nest with you footing the bills.
It’s important that you walk through items #1-7 above and set expectations around each one. You have a say as to if, when and how they are allowed to host parties. Also, their ability to “open the house” to guests who might stay for a few days – or never leave.
Even though they will not be paying their bills directly, there are ways your adult child can contribute:
Hitting an agreed upon attendance and GPA milestones for school
Getting (and keeping) a job, and hitting milestones in savings account deposits
Upkeeping a clean apartment and having no complaints from the landlord or neighbors
Timing and Pace
In either case, let your child take the lead in terms of if and when the subject of moving out comes into play. If you need to nudge them along, be sure to share your goals with them as much as you discuss their goals. You (and your partner if you have one, be they a parent or step parent) are still autonomous human beings with feelings, goals and dreams to pursue. Your child is an important part of your world, but they can’t be your whole world. If you want to have the house to yourselves again – or downsize to a condo or relocate to a retirement-friendly city, state, or country, don’t drop this news on your adult children, let them know long in advance.
As you discuss your expectations, and theirs, a path will likely emerge; in which case you can slip into cheerleader/advice-giver mode – or that of a co-manager.
Even Young Adults Can Take Baby Steps
If your young adult child is not ready to be fully on their own, you can take smaller steps that lead to independence, including:
Inviting them back home for cherished family rituals – like Sunday Dinner, or a Movie or Game Night.
Visiting your adult child’s apartment for dinner, movie or game night.
Meeting up for meals, hikes or excursions to keep the in-person connection strong while you both go home to your separate residences.
And remember, while you want your child to set the pace with their leaving of the nest, you have a say every step of the way. This is a big milestone for you both. One step, one stretch of your wings at a time!